People may take my age for granted, They may say im to young to say I've been through alot in the little life I have lived but that's someones opioion something I have now learnt does not always mean a great deal. So you might be wondering why a nobody would want to share her story to people she doesnt know, Well that is kinda the point telling people I dont know my story could help one person know their not on their own and that other people go through the same but the only thing that different is their story and here is mine. I cant deny I have an amazing family and amazing friends, As a kid I was always the happy go lucky one, the one always trying to make people smile, I was always trying and make people laugh and play funny tricks on them, I loved being young playing with my friends in the street, no phones no internet no judgment just me my friends and the dirt. It didnt matter what we wore or what we looked like in that case the only thing we ever worried about was when our mums or dads was going to call us in for the night! No one liked that. So all in all I loved being a kid but then things changed I started Secondary school….
Every kid gets scared when they go from Primary school to Secondary school thats normal. I was nervous but I knew I would make new friends and enjoy school like I did in Primary. So Year 7 started. I started to make new friends along with the old, I was enjoying my classes and spending time with my new friends, This was a whole new world Id walked into. Im not going to lie I wasnt to skinniest person going but that didnt bother me, Being the size was I didnt think much of it until other people started to notice it! I was getting to the end of year 7 I had a few nasty names being shouted over once in a while but I knew that was just silly boys being boys and i took it on the chin and just carried on with my days, forgotten in the matter of 10 seconds. So year 7 not to bad made new friends we had fun i made alot of good memories for my first year in the big school.
Then year 8 started and this is where i started to realise that something wasnt right. I gained alot of weight but i was young and that stuff didnt bother i just wanted to have fun as a kid with my friends. I remember one day i saw some older girls at school wearing these nice slim tight trousers and was dying to get a pair so I gave them puppie dog eyes to my mum and she finally caved and took me shopping to get some, I picked a black strechy pair of trousers with a big line down each leg, I thought i was the dogs bollocks looking back now not the best fashion choice ive gone for, But at that time they were fashionale and i wanted to look like them other girls because that is what all my other friends were doing. So i had new my trousers and it was time for school. I can rememeber this moment like it was yesterday because this is where it all started for me. I was walking down the long coridor on the way to my next lesson and as I was walking passed i hear them all shouting “THERES A TREE! Oiiiii TREE TRUNCH LEGS!” over and over again, It was only when i turned around to see what was happening i realised i was the star of this joke. I tried not to let it bother me as again i just thought it was silly boys trying to impress there friends. We was so close to the end of the year I had started to get alot of abuse from people boys and girls about my weight and looks it become every couple of days someone would say something then it become everyday and then every lesson. I think people wanted to see me cry or get a reaction so instead of doing to I started just not going to school. Now you might be thinking alot of people get called names and just get on with it as thats life the worlds not full with nice people, I understand that and trust me i tried to put up a tough skin but when you get it everyday it wont make you wanna go somewhere. So like i said i stopped going to school somedays but i didnt tell anyone why, Id just pretend i was sick and and rufuse to go to school. Now I wasnt to bad with having days off at this point it was when I went into year 9 things got alot more scary and more serious then a few days off and some name calling.
So after still not telling anyone about the people who had been calling me names, I deciced to just try and forget about everything and that Year 9 was going to be a new year. But thats where i was wrong, I had become even more shy and had gone into a little shell and vulnerable one at that. The year started I tried to stay positive but that faded pretty quickly, The names were getting more aggresive more hurtful if thats possible. That's when the physciall side came, I rememember this all the time becuase this stands out to me the most. The bells gone and it was time to go to English so me and friends headed over to the block, I could tell they seemed to be acting different with me they started blaming things on me, getting me in trouble, But i had become so shy so like a idiot i just sat and took it, but i really knew something was different that day on the way to english. As we walking up to the double doors there were two lads alot bigger me standing in front me they wouldnt let me passed, i just thought they were messing a round having laugh, Turns out not! One boy grabbed my one arm and the other grabbed the other arm and they then started pulling them in different directions, My friends just stood there laughing, they did say stop they didnt say your hurting her and as much as i tried to get them to let go they wouldnt, they were just to strong. Now this became a regualer thing, the two boys would always be at them doors and my friends would push towards the doors just so they could hurt me, in the end i was just to scared to even walk near the area where the doors were. You might thinking why didnt you tell and teacher or parent or why didnt you use a different door to go in, I didnt tell a teacher or a parent because i was to scared they would hurt me even more, they knew where lived they knew the way i walked home, If they could do that in front of people and not be scared to hurt a girl what would stop them doing something 10 times worse when no one is looking, An using a different door well i did that end but now that makes me angry why should i have had to use a different door why should i go out my way to aviod them but me being scared took that anger out of me.
So now i was getting names everywhere i go, being phycially hurt everyday, I would have people spit on me, throw stuff at me, stick stuff in my hair and notes on my back, I was a joke to everyone even my friends! Thats when my friends turned on me they saw that taking the piss out of me made them popular so they made plan to pretend i had spoke about one of the girls and then told her i had said nasty thing about her and of course this one girl belived it all. My heads down i already just had a load of shit from a group of lads in my last lesson and now i just wanted to be invisable, so i stood outside maths with my head down until i heard a girl come storming up to me, It was on of my friends, I was happy to see her after my last lesson, Until she pinned me up against a wall and was punching the wall ready to punch me, i was in shock and just froze, An at that moment of time i saw this group of girls i called my bestfriends walk past and laugh not saying a word and off they went down the hall just watching what they had caused without a care in the world, All to be popular! But this didnt stop there, They then took to social media to be cruel and nasty and completly crush me, I even had when i was at home and not even at school with them.
I was having this everyday from start to finish and i had no one to turn to. I would have PE and id be running and people would go out of there way to just shout abusive and vile things, this made me stop doing pe id have a note every lesson saying i couldnt do pe that day becuase i was to scared and tired of what was happening! I was told everyday i wasnt worth anything, no one would go out with someone that fat! People would say why are you even here no one likes you. And i started to belive everything they were saying. I started not going to school, I caused my mum so much stress and i still feel bad to this day becuase she was the one getting in trouble for me not going to school becuase back then i didnt realise how much trouble someone can get into for there child not going to school, they can get fined, they can spend time in prison they can even get the children taken off them. Now my mum is incredible the most lovliest loving women i know, she lives for her kids and we all worship her! And its still makes me sad to think of what i put her through but i was so scared of what might happen to me if i told on all of them, I was out numbered. I just didnt want to go to school, i started to belive i was this massive fat girl that no one wanted or every would or the girl that no one wanted to be friends with so i started to make myself sick to try and make myself look skinny just like all the other people, I started to do it after all my meals, id make sure no one was up stairs so no one would hear. I did this for about 5 months but things still wasnt improving at school infact it got worse i got to the point where i just didnt want to be alive, i know that sounds selfish but i was young, alone and scared. I stood in the kitchen got out a massive knife and held the point of the knife onto my belly, Time stopped everything was quite i felt like all the hurt would just go away, i started to push it in then i heard the door go and my mum had walked in from work i panicked an put the knife back and just ran into the living room. I was so close to ending my own life becuase of nasty bullys telling me i shouldnt be here anymore. I knew enough was enough and needed to tell my mum and dad what was going on.
I was waiting until then end of the week before i was going to tell them, I had it all panned out in my head and i felt like it could get better. Midweek and i came home from school to see my sister and brother sitting in the garden they couldnt look at me, i had no idea what was going on then my dad called me into the kitchen, they started to talk about my nan and i could feel my brother and sister watching, My dad said 4 words that changed everything for me “Your Nan has cancer” I didnt know how to react i didnt cry i just frooze and was confused, they explained everything to me and said that she is going to have treatment to make her all better again, I clung onto that little peice of hope. I knew i couldnt say anything about the bullying now, I didnt want to put anymore stress onto them then they already had to deal with so i sucked it up and just dealt with it. We then found of that my nan was exremely poorly and that she would have long to live, Its was a few weeks after being told my nan had cancer that she passed away. My nan was something else! she was amazing and loving and she loved her kids and grandchildren and we all loved her, My dad had lost his dad when he was only young, His dad waved them goodbye and they went out and when they came back home that same day he was being brought out on a strecher, He'd passed away due to a heart attack. My nan was mum and dad to my dad and my aunt and she raised my dad to become the most loving funniest man i know, he would do anything for his kids! I also knew how to wrap him round my little finger when i wanted a new toy haha! He'd do anything to make his kids happy! And thats why i couldnt tell them i was being bullyed, When my nan passed away i started to see my dad fade it wasnt my dad it was a hard time, But i stayed strong for him i didnt want to show i was upset i just wanted to make him happy and so did my mum that was our mission. I was young and was dealing with bullying everyday when i was at school and came home to a broken family trying to build the happiness back up, It was hard i started to go into depression, I didnt want to leave the house or do anything i became unhappy with everything and hardly spoke, I wasnt that happy go lucky kid no more, I just wanted to be by myself all the time.
Everything at home was starting to get back to normal but school was still the same, I walked through the gates one morning and as soon as i stepped one foot in it all started so i borrowed a girls phone rang my mom and said im coming home, i put the phone down and ran home. I put my keys in the door stormed in and cut my tie up i screamed IM NEVER GOING BACK THERE! I burst into tear i fell down the fridge and had a break down, I was a kid and i was forced to have a mental breakdown becuase people were to blind to see bullying or to think that bullying is wrong! I told my mum mostly everything not all becuase i was still to scared of getting hurt if i told on the lads that had been hurting me, My mom called the school staright away demanding a meeting, We went in i told my head of year the same as what i told my mom, There reply was we can get you to come into school at different time you can have your lessons in the libary where non of them would be. I am the only one who thinks that is so wrong why am i being made out to be the one whos done something wrong that i have to be isolcted and to basically make sure i aviod them so they wont say anything to me, They can contunie with their lessons and their friends but not me i had to go and be even more invisable, Id have different breaks and lunches just so i would bump into them, All because the school didnt want to be known for having bullys. My head of year was a snobby old cow to put it lightly who wanted the best year and reasured me and my mum she was going to have a word with them, I thought my mom was going to explode with anger when she said that, We left it at that i was to exhorted to deal with it anymore. i rememeber having some lessons away from the other kids but still remained in some classes, I was still getting abusive from everyone, Seemed that the little chat my head of year had with them wasnt that strict. My head of year called me out of one of my classes to speak to me, She decied to start to blame all the bullying on me she said it was my fault it was happening and she then got her walky talky and started poking the long stick in my chest i was done with everything, I ran to speak to my mum as she was in the school that day, My mum was fumming and was heading straight for her office luckly the head teacher got her before she got to her office. My mom told the head teacher everything that had been happening and told them she was taking me out of the school. And that was it id finally been let free from this hell hold. I went into seriously bad depression i didnt leave my house for a good 3 months i didnt want to go out i was to scared becuase them bullys still walked passed my house everyday and even though i didnt go to school there anymore i still got abbusise just walking into my own house.
I finially started at a new school where alot of my primary school friends went. I clicked with a group of people quickly and did really enjoy being there, I had the odd name but it was nothing on a level of my old school. I was happy and i stayed there until it was time to go to college!
Being at a new school with new people really got my confidence up i became a happy confident person again and i started college, Again with college i loved it meet amazing people and i grew as a person. I grew close to a girl we became inseparable, We would go to house partys and get drunk we would go to town with fake ID and go clubbing we had the most amazing memories i will always cherish, But it wasnt always so fun.
One night we went to a house party, I had a boyfriend at the time who i was smittened with and of course i thought i was in love, So this one night we got very drunk nothing to different there and we decided to all go to bed, My boyfriend at the time wasnt at this party so it was just me some lads and girls, Me and my friend decided to go up stairs to bed she had the bed on the floor and i had the bed next to her, One of the lads decied to come into the room and sit on the bed i was on, At the time i thought nothing of it we was all laughing about silly things, It wasnt until he lay behind me and tried to stay in the bed, I knew i did not feel comfortable with but by this time my friend had passed out and was fast asleep, They guy started to try and feel me up i said No! I thought he was joking and would get up and leave but that didnt happen he started to grab me i tried to push him off but i couldnt he was to strong he then latch onto me i froze and couldnt speak or move i didnt know what to do, He started to try and take my trousers off and his, he pinned me down not letting me move as he tried to push into me but i manged to get away before he could, I ran down stairs and cried all night, I was to scared to call anyone or tell my friends becuase i was to scared. He told me no one would belive me over him, he made me beleive it was my fault and i stupidly did, So i didnt tell anyone i kept another secret to myself.
I started to become distant from my male family members i didnt want them to hug me or come near me they just thought it was a teenager thing but it wasnt i was just scared or men as silly as that sounds. I kept this secret for a good 3 years without telling anyone. One night i had a argument with my parent and it all came out i told them what happened that night and they just cried, It broke me. They were so upset someone had done this to me and how they felt like i couldnt tell them but i was scared who wouldnt be. They wanted to speak to the police but i just wanted to forget everything and move on with my life, So thats what i tried to do. I went out 3 times a week just drinking my feelings away i wanted to feel care free and like a different person and when i was drunk i was i felt confidnce i laughed 24/7 life was more happy for me when i was drunk, looking back at that now i find that sad that i needed alchocol to make me happy again. Not long after that i went to another party where i was drunk and had a lot a abbusive comments made no one stuck for me or did they stop it, This night ended in a lad trying to punch me in the face just becuase of my looks and weight he thought this was acceptable.
I am a hopless romatic and wanted to prove all them nasty people wrong that i could find someone who loved me for me so i decied to become a serial dater, Not the most proudest moment of mine but i just wanted to find that one, I was still big at this stage of my life or what was classed as big to people. I would go on dates and nothing would come out of them i started to forget how many i had been on or who with apart from one date, I decied to go into town and meet up for a date with a guy, we meet up was chatting in the sun, id made a effort with my looks put a long flowy flowery skirt on with and plain black top i was feeling good and confident, after a while this guy said he had to run he had to go view a flat with his friend, I thought nothing of it and we went out separte ways, I messgaed him later that night and he replied with the most cruliest nastiest comments that no man should say to a lady. I was so down and depressed again i just didnt want to be me no more so i went back to drinking even when i was just sitting in my bedroom becuase it made the pain go away, I didnt tell no one becuase i felt to embarssed so again kept it to myself.
I started to realise drinking away my feeling wasnt helping so i decided to make myself feel better and i started working out and eating healthy it took 2 years of sweat and tears but i manged to lose nearly 8 stone. I felt better and seemed alot more happier in me, I didnt do it for other people or to feel accepted i did it for me becuase i wanted to feel happy in myself. I went on to work if differnet jobs carrying on with my fitness and i meet a bunch of new people and made alot of amazing memories. I went to the pub with my two mates and we bumped into some lads from school and they were beyond nice to me asking how i was and wanted to be my friend all becuase i had lost weight and looked different, But i was still the same person i was when i looked different in school, I then got facebook requiested and followers on instagram, all these people that didnt want to be friends with the fat girl or told me i would never be anything to anyone they now wanted to be friends with me. Crazy right! Its funny how your looks can make you popular or not, And its so wrong! We live in a world now where getting lip and bum fillers in normal and how wearing a face full of make up at 12 is accepted and how these young girls think a role model is classed as a celebrity on a reality show whos had thousands of pounds worth of surgery in implants to make themselfs look different. You should love the way you look as yourself, If thats different coloured hair or skin or shape and size, People say its so cleshay to say you should love yourself in whatever skin but its true if we all looked the same then the world would be one boring place!
Ive finally in a place where im happy, I have an fantastic boyfriend who treats me amazing and loves me for me and i adore him, Its taken me a long time to love myself and dont get me wrong im still not fully there but it hard to get back up when your been knocked down so many times, But everythings a working progress and i couldnt of done it without my family or friends or boyfriend and thats why its so important to talk to people, If your being bullied or have been sexual abused or anything that is making you unhappy you should speak about it to someone! Trust me its the best thing you can do, there is nothing worse then bottling it up, it will make you ill as i found out, Through everything that has happened its caused me to get depression some days and have anxiety and panic attack but thats something i still work on everyday to better myself, I am a good person who would never do anything to upset or hurt anyone becuase of how i have been treated. I wanted to share my story of bullying becuase i want other people to realise there not on their own and by talking to someone isnt going to make it worse, Speak to a parent a gardian a friend a teacher or we have amazing anti bullying compaines you can call if you feel that is more for you. But please dont do what i did and not speak to anyone about it its not worth it you deserve to be happy and love yourself your all beautiful individals who deserve to be treat like a human. And if anyone reads this and your bullying someone or you call someone nasty names or do anything in the smallest form to hurt someone then stop and think what your doing to that person and how you not big and clever and when you have kids god forbid they ever get bullied becuase i can garntee you will lose your mind to see how it will effect them. Bullying needs more attention, Sexual abuse needs more attention! We need to show our younger generation what role models really are, People need to be educated properly about them other wise its going to keep on happening and people are going to keep losing their lifes to a matter then needs to be addressed. So please help get this undercontrol even if we can help a handful of people its start.
Everyone deserves to be happy.