The beginning

Have you ever found yourself lost, trapped in a mess of your own making? A disaster such as one that you feel hopeless, there seems to be no end to the suffering that you endure. I can't help but feel abandoned by myself, repeatedly letting everyone including me down.

I started seeking approval at an early age, I just wanted so badly to impress others all the time. It's one of my many bad habits that i can't seem to overcome. It is like i have this void inside of me that nothing can fill.

My life has always been hard, i guess it is safe to say that I am a classic spoiled drama queen on the outside, but inside i have been confused and mislead. I am not like most girls, honestly i didn't really get the chance for that. I grew up way before my time but in reality i didnt really do much growing up at all. I would really like to say im a survivor and all that horse shit but i just get a head ache. It is hard to stop feeling bad for yourself when your in a shitty situation. I remember some things, most of my child hood i would much rather forget.

This overwhelming sense of entitlement controls me i end up in trouble more often than not. The worst part is i cant put what's important first, everyone says my priorities are all screwed up. I am just so use to beating myself up and feeling sorry for myself all the time that stepping out of my comfort zone is impossible especially when i always seem to fail regardless. How can i be so selfish, hate myself, care about others, and still have potential to be better than i have been? I want so badly to succeed, too show myself that i am worthy and capable of greatness . How? There has got to a way to beat this bullshit.

I know i can do this, if im so sure then why do i keep ending back up in the same place? Either im as selfish as im told or im scared of something. Ok so what if i do it right, what if recrecovery consumed me or whatever? The you set the bar the farther you fall, the more it hurts. Coming to terms with everything, admitting that iim always gonna be less than my best self, and for what?

IIi am tired of being the best loser. Maybe i need to work on my beliefs. I need something i can take pride in. Maybe some hobbies or attending more of the meetings that supposedly help so much. I guess it boils down to the effort, a choice, a little bit of confidence, and a whole bunch of elbow grease. Yeah, i got skills I've done enough treatment for an small army i better have something. Ok here i am back to the first day again, i wanna say im on the right track after all optimism is good. I am strong it is time to face reality, stop running away, stop avoiding the real problems by creating distractions. Im not going to appologize again im just going to pull my head out of my ass and look toward my future instead of licking my wounds, for Christ sakes kayla stop moving to the next chapter and start a different book. This shit is really getting old, im destroying myself while my family suffers, give it up kayla give it all up because if you don't, soon you aint going to have anyone left to say sorry too. Actions speak louder than words, nobody can even hear you anymore, cant you see that. Do us all a favor and open your damn eyes, its simple, just do what you say your gonna do. Visible progress and genuine change are a necessity, if you dont start producing results you might as well kiss it all goodbye. Those babies dont deserve better, this is beyond self pity, they need their mother to be the best her she can be because what youve done to yourself is pathetic, weak, and an embarrassment. Truth be told, you didnt do this to youself, honey despite what you may think this shit show your rolling in is so much bigger, you need too get the hell over yourself and start focusing on the real damage, then maybe just maybe if those girls are lucky; lets just pray that it is not already to late. Time dont stop and kids dont wait forever, be there while they need you before they decide they dont want you.