Where I was, where I'm going

Been in sc for a little while now and I have to say being home feels great. But I will admit it has made me think about life in a whole new light. This is about to get personal and maybe shouldn't be said publicly but I feel like it need too write it for myself, and so others can possibly learn somthing about me, life, and thier selves. my story starts here in Charleston South Carolina. Not going into my child hood tho this isn't what this is about. This is about the past year of my life. Maybe even the past 3 years. I have experienced so much loss that last year losing my dad was the last straw. My great grandma, then my uncle, then my grandpa and finally my dad. I've coped with it all for so long that I became numb to the pain. I felt nothing and then all at once. Losing my dad was THE greatest loss. Not only did I lose my best friend I lost myself. I forgot what life was worth. I forgot the meaning of loving myself. My mental health was the worse it's ever been. I drank way to much I was constantly depressed and couldn't shake the thoughts of suicide that played in my head over and over. I never would ever physically do anything about my thoughts but the fact I had them drove me nuts. Drove me to drink until I was passed out on the bathroom floor. Drinking made me angry, so angry I trashed my appartment and banged my head on the floors. I stopped going to school I felt like there was no point anymore. For anything.
My friends made me realize how i was hurting myself in more ways then one. Somthing needed to change in order for me to survive. So I made one of the hardest decisions. To pack up my life in ny and come back to sc. Leave my friends what family I do have in ny. The people who have been there for me all these years. I set off to sc to find somthing. Find what? Myself ? Love? Happiness? A meaning for why I'm still here and my dad isnt. A question I ask myself everyday. But I'm tried of doing that wollowing in my own self pity. Woe is me. Poor me. Time for me stop feel sorry for myself. I'm not the only one in this world. I need to realize that other people are going thru much worse. Have been thru much worse. I'm not the only one going thru this. I'm selfish. I care about no one but myself and don't realize that my actions and words affect other people they affect my relationship with people. Lovers I chase away because I'm hard to love. Family members cuz I'm stubborn and stuck In my ways. This needs to change and it won't happen overnight I know this. But this is my goal. Be a better person. Make a difference. Love myself. Love others and let them love me. Allow myself to belive I deserve to be here. I deserve to be happy.. find myslef and who i want to be tomorrow. It's harder then it seems I find myself having that attitude, to push people away to avoid feeling anything. I never want to feel like I did in ny. I don't Wana feel like I'm not worth being here. I'm on this planet for a reason. I want to make everyday count and search for that reason. I've had every opportunity to go down a dark dark path and I've chose to rise about that. That's the first step isn't it?  I may die searching I may never find it but I will die trying to be the best version of myself. I'm not perfect and I never plan to be. I have my bad days. My anxiety over comes me and I feel like I've lost control and all my hard work is gone. I need to learn to understand this is
 not a set back that it's a test to prove I can get thru this and keep moving forward. I have my days of depression but this is also not a setback but to show myself that it's ok to feel. It's ok to be emotional. I lay in bed next to my boyfriend everynight and somtimes shed a tear, after he's asleep I lay looking at him thinking about how I got here. I did it. I made this happen. I want to ask myself how I got so lucky to have him and to of had him in my life for all these years and many years to come but I dont. I don't ask myself because I know. I know that with him everything makes sence. I want to regret not being with him and making this move Sooner but I dont. I don't ask myself why because I know. I had to of gone thru everything I went thru i order to be the person I am now. I may want to change some of my ways but not my strength. Noone can take that from me. I am who I am because I have been thru hell and back. It has made me who I am. I have no regrets. That is my only hope to have no regrets. To not have people have regrets with or about me when I die. Don't regret being nicer to me, if u arnt it's probably because I deserved it. Don't regret not being in my life, if ur not it's for a reason. I'm here for a reason. I'm going to die trying to find my purpose.  So if you take anything away from this take this, love your self. Love who are. If u don't then change it. Only you can. Here's a cliché none of u have heard “live life with no regrets” take the time to live by it. Think about who u are and be ok with it. Make peace with the past, you can't change it. But only you can determine your future. Make it what you want it to be. Take whatever out of this you want. Love to the moon and back and don't be afraid to fall. When u fall, fall hard and get back up 10 times stronger. To all of my friends and family: you know who you are. Thank you. Thank you for always being by my side when I needed you the most, when I pushed you all away and you stayed. Thank you for loving me when I didn't love myself. Thank you for standing by my side when I couldn't stand at all. Thank you for picking me up off the floor (literally). I wouldn't be here with out any of you. You all saved my life with your love and support. I will spend my life being greatful and make my life worth all the pain and heart ache I've caused. Thank you for holding the pieces while I figure out how to put them together. For the 1st time in a long time I'm happy and plan to make it last forver and make it worth all I've been thru to get here worth it.
Babyhager